37 weeks

I'm so bad at updating.

Yikes I'm 37 weeks. I can't believe it, and I'm not remotely ready yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to hold her, see her, kiss her, not be pregnant anymore -- but have I got the NB clothes out and washed them? Nope. I don't have my car seat yet. Oops. I don't even have any hospital bags packed and Josie's especially needs to be packed.

I'm getting nervous. I keep teetering between really just wanting to get this over with and being afraid because I know after you transition over there's no going back. Before Josie was born my life was normal and full of joy and then she was born and my life literally fell apart. So I keep telling myself it'll be ok. Not going to go through that again. But I have to make a very conscious effort to adjust my mood. I think I'm afraid to let myself bond too. Don't get me wrong, I'm addicted to her but at the same time, I keep thinking, wonder what's going to happen to make the bottom drop out THIS time. I hate feeling like that. Still making that positive effort.

Symptom-wise, I've been having crazy braxton-hicks off and on daily for like 2 weeks now (and prior to that but not as regularly). Sometimes I think they must be real contractions, but I'm not 100%. I'm such a doubtful person, I'm afraid I'm going to keep doubting myself until she's practically here and there will be no way my doula will make it in time. She's an hour away as it is.

Life has been kinda crazy for me lately. Well crazy for all of us. Brian's gone 90% of the day so Josie is missing him terribly and being cranky and poor Brian is going to get burnt out. He job hops, trying to please everyone, goes to school, comes home does his homework and then tries to show me he's still here for me by unloading the dishwasher or something and by then it's 1 am and I'm grouchy anyway and we just go to bed. So for him, its bad. Me, I am getting no socialization and struggling between nesting to sheer exhaustion and giving up because I feel useless against it all anyway. Josie is sweet as can be but her feeding issues are killing me. The retching, screaming, wriggling around while I try to vent her and relieve her while she tries to pull the tube out and kick it out of my hand (while full to the brim of stomach contents) is way too much stress for anyone. It's bad enough to have your child in pain but not to be able to do anything. Then add fear of the button being pulled out and having to deal with all those implications plus just trying to physically wrangle her down and try to soothe her... it's like supermom the engineer who has to manage the medical, mechanical, technical, emotional, physical ramifications plus my back is KILLING me and I'm leaning over her and in weird contortions and honestly, crying, because it's awful to see her like that and to realize that's just how life is now -- it's not normal and I'm all alone doing it for the time being and that's a lot of responsibility. Oh shoot -- this needs to be on Josie's blog. I knew it'd be difficult to figure out what post goes where. Oh well. But yep that's me today in a nutshell.

Mary is very responsive. A shadow makes her kick like crazy. Sound and she kicks like crazy. She jumps when a door slams. I had Josie on my lap tonight and Mary wiggled her way from one side of my stomach to the other where she had room. I thought that was cool. Not that there's much room. I measured 38 weeks at the 37 week appointment and I was only 36 weeks and 6 days!

She's coming. I really honestly think within a week or so. I feel it. But then again it would just figure for me to endure this pregnancy as long as possible and have the baby come during Brian's first exams around the week of the 24th. It's so weird to be on this side of it and not know. Everything is so unknown.

Well this I do know. I am sore as crap. Second pregnancies, at least this one, are hard. I hurt everywhere, not to complain too much but really. And she is getting bigger and bigger -- Dr Fron -- who we ran into at PT today (weird but cool) called she'd be a 7 pounder...whatever that means...I'm thinking 7 lb 10 oz or a little bigger. And kinda long. Honestly I don't care as long as she has a complete roof to her mouth and a working heart. And I really want her to stay with me and not need to visit the NICU. I'd also like (while I'm making this wish list) to not tear or for her to get stuck -- to NOT be induced, or have high blood pressure or a c-section. And praying quite often for everything to just go smoothly without complication and safely for me and her. And for her to be a her and not be an oops it's really a boy! Anyone else ever have that fear?

Anyway dear Mary, I love you. Be safe. Apparently I'm GBS positive so I will need antibiotics, so praying too that will be a non-issue. Dr Fron said yesterday that my pregnancy is "picture perfect" -- he actually said, "Your pregnancy couldn't be more picture-perfect. I'm going to get you to teach a class to my other patients on how to be pregnant."

Ha. Ha.

I know that's bc my weight is right at the recommended  average -- 27 lbs so far. My iron is super. I have never been anemic though. I stopped taking my prenatals (bad) about a month ago, so oh well. Not bc I chose to or anything, just haven't remembered or cared to be overly faithful with it. I am more concerned to be getting my fish oil and vit B. I only take the prenatals for the iron generally anyway. I think too much vit A had something to do with Josie -- but then again that's a theory and no one will ever know. And besides they say it's not in the division of cells, but instead a defect with the egg or sperm from the start. God only knows.

Sorry Mary, off topic to Josie again. That's ok, you both are always on my mind equally at this point and I know I will love you both equally. I know it will be differently too but the same amount.

Anyway, no water retention -- least no noticeable swelling anywhere. My ankles are always skinny. No clue why. Hope they don't make me take IV fluids though bc that does make my feet swell, well it did with Josie but then I was going up and down stairs and on my feet like 48 hours straight after she was sent to Shands. I don't think I could be more exhausted even with a crying newborn and a special needs tot to tend to this time. But just praying if I go in to have the baby on a Sunday I have the baby before 7 Tuesday. That was crap. No one else I talk to had to go THAT long. I know it happens, but not to any of my friends -- not that I'd want them to of course, but I always wonder why it happens to be me sometimes.

But then again, I'm blessed. I know!

Hopefully we get things packed and ready soon. The first time we were ready and then had to wait 2 months for Josie to get outta Shands. So I think we have a false sense of time here. Plus I'm thinking if I don't do any prep maybe I won't have to go into labor... but then again, it's guaranteed she's coming sooner or later.

I can't pass TMH without a longing to meet her and just get this thing going. Waiting takes forever.

Oddly -- I am seriously excited to get off my feet and lay in a bed (albeit hospital bed that is too short for my long legs) and have people focus on me for at least a day or so. Take my temperature, ask if I feel ok, etc. I know it'll be all about the baby again as soon as she is born, and that's ok. But just a little mini reprieve from Josie's doctors and appointments and tube feedings and Sesame Street, OT, PT, ST, running around in the car and feeling guilty when I don't do everything. When I'm having the baby surely no one expects any of that, so I can't possibly be guilty. So I'm ready for just sitting in the bed holding a newborn -- even if I have to go through labor to get it and even if nursing ends up hurting. I'm pretty sure my nipple could get ripped off and I'm still just going to be ecstatic my baby has the ability to suck.

lol. I have such incredibly low expectations this time.

On the one hand I think, I bet this baby is gonna walk by 9 months and it's going to be INSANE, and then on the other I half hope she doesn't go too fast bc I'm conditioned to Josie's slow nature. Wondering what her personality will be like too. Jo is so laid back but stubborn but super sweet and affectionate. Mary what will you be like?

I asked Brian if he'd like to document any comments on this blog and he said, he predicts Mary will be a lot more "entergetic" than Josie was. Ha. Ha. Ha.